Don't Turn Your Back
by Daggers.Silver
Summary: Just what I imagine Sam would be thinking after Dean tells him about his deal. (Season 2 finale)


**A/N: PLEASE READ. THIS IS MY FIRST HURT!SAM FIC IN MY COLLECTION OF ONESHOTS. I'm starting a new hurt!Sam project. Basically, I'll write some drabbles/oneshots/twoshots of hurt!Sam fics to keep my writing skills in practice while I try and figure out my current multi-chapter fic. They will each be individual, but they will, hopefully, be inspired by your guys' submissions. I'm taking requests. From you guys, so please leave me a review and watch my account for new hurt!Sam stories. I'll pick out my favorite requests and do my best to write them. But, AGAIN, THEY WILL EACH BE INDIVIDUAL THEY WILL NOT BE UPDATED TO THIS STORY! **

**These will not be written as Wincest stories, but if you wish to see it that way, that's your decision. I'm thinking there won't be hardly any romance beyond Sam thinking of Jess at times or maybe a few thoughts of past relationships or Dean hitting on girls, so if you're here for that, sorry. I'll take AU submissions.**

**So, here is a list of my favorite hurt!Sam ideas, ones that I will most likely pounce on. I will take others that aren't listed, but these are just some of my preferences. Depressed!Sam, Suffocating!Sam, Coughing up blood!Sam, Impaled!Sam, Sensory deprived!Sam (blind, deaf, mute, etc), Bruised/broken ribs!Sam, Not able to go to a hospital!Sam, Hard time breathing!Sam, Insomnia!Sam, Malnourished!Sam, Nightmare!Sam, Grieving Jess!Sam, Hallucifer!Sam, Post trials!Sam, etc. You get the point. Yeah, I know I sound like a horrible person, but half the reason why I love these fics is for Big brother!Dean, so you can expect plenty of that in each of my fics.**

**Anywho, here's the first one.**

**What I think Sam would be feeling at the end of All Hell Breaks Loose Part 2. **

000

_I don't know how the demon was involved. I don't know how the whole thing went down exactly. But Dad's dead because of me. And that much I do know._

_I never should've come back, Sam. It wasn't natural. And now look what's come of it. I was dead. And I should have stayed dead._

_You did it to save her? _

_Did you ever think about her in all this?_

_I think you did it for yourself. So you wouldn't have to live without her. But guess what? She's going to have to live without you now. But what if she knew how much it cost? What if she knew it cost your soul? How do you think she'd feel?_

_I'm alive, Dad's dead._

_What if he struck a deal? My life for his soul?_

_How could he do it?_

_How am I supposed to live with that? _

_What's dead should stay dead._

Funny how quickly life flips on you. One minute, Dean's crumbling with guilt from Dad's death, the next, the natural order speech is thrown out the window and Dean sells his soul for me. He was so angry, so pissed at the demon and himself and even Dad for making that deal. The anger that drove him over the edge at times, only faltering because I was there to stop him.

Dad had done it for Dean. To keep him alive. And Dean hated it. Hated himself for it. Feeling the guilt and the sorrow; that Dad was dead and Dean was alive. That Dad had 'saved' Dean only to leave him to a life of guilt and pain and monsters and blood. And then Dean just turns around and does it himself.

I thought he would understand. Remember the guilt. Remember the anger at Dad for leaving him; for thinking that he would be fine without him.

Apparently not.

And now that same guilt; that same anger writhes like a snake in my gut, boiling my blood as I try not crumble. Try not to break. Try not to cry. Try not to scream.

Try not to throttle my brother right there in the Impala.

He had said it himself! What's dead should stay dead; as simple as that! The weight of the guilt Dean had carried almost crushed him. Hell, even _did_ crush him. Not all of him, but he had never been the same since Dad had gone. Then he just ignores that and makes a deal himself? Leaves me to feel what he felt? Oh, except I'll be there to see him reaped. Ripped to shreds by foes I can't protect him from.

As much as I want to continue the merry-go-round of bringing each other back, I can't seem to shake the feeling that even if I tried, I wouldn't be so lucky. Even if I could trap a crossroads demon and threaten to exorcise it, it would probably willingly go back to hell as long as Dean Winchester would rot in hell.

And that scares the crap outta me. As thankful as I am that Dean has at least one year, I almost wish he could've just dropped dead on the spot. Now I have a year of searching to do. To find a way to save Dean. A year of waiting for the boulder to drop. The clock to chime.

The constant buzz in the back of my skull reminds me of my determination to save him, but as it gradually fades, the small voice whispering in my ear tells me that I won't be able to. That I have a year of searching to do, only for it to be in vain. That Dean will slip right through my fingertips as I scramble to catch him.

My throat clogs and I resist the cough that's waiting to expel from my lungs. The scar on my lower back still burns and aches, a white hot sensation that keeps my spine rigid against the leather seat even as stress threatens to pull me to sleep. But I can't sleep. I'd most likely get twenty minutes before I'd wake up from hellhouds and fire and blood and screams.

I turned my back for one minute and the next thing I knew, I was waking up to Dean confessing his deal and hell's gates opening wide.

I know I have to find a way to save Dean. He's on his way to hell because I wasn't careful enough. I have a year. It isn't ten, but it _is_ better than nothing. I will shove my anger and hurt and guilt aside to find a way to help Dean. To save him. I won't spend the next year wallowing in self pity while Dean's life comes to an end. Because if I learned one thing from this...

It's that I will _never_ turn my back again.

000

**The End**

**A/N: So, tell me what you think and leave a submission of what you would like me to write. Chao! Apple Pie to all who leave reviews/requests!**


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